"I get to"

Although I tell myself these words so much that it has become a subconscious thought, I cannot take credit for their meaning. This phrase comes from Kristin Armstrong who writes for Runners World and who's blog I adore. Several months ago she wrote a blog entry in which she reminds us that whatever challenges we are facing, we need to remember to be grateful for the journey despite the discomfort. I have really struggled with this lately.
In the past few weeks, I have experienced many highs and lows. The emotional swinging threatens to make me feel numb in defense. I am fighting this creeping numbness because I want to feel every bit of it. I am fighting the fatigue, the pain, the discomfort...because I get to. Not feeling is a choice that I still have the ability to make. And for me, this is not an option. I need to feel.
My friend died earlier this week after battling cancer for over two years. The past two weeks for her and for those who loved her, were pure Hell. She endured more than anyone should ever have to, and she had very little choice. In triathlon, especially in the phase I am now in while training for an Ironman, there is much discomfort. Not only physical, but also in the uncomfortable decisions and sacrifice that we make so we can train and race to the best of our ability. We sometimes COMPLAIN, (some more than others...;-))about how painful it is. We triathletes love telling our war stories. It's how we relate to each other. We have a love/hate relationship with the pain. It's part of this life that we so love. And it is completely our choice.
Three weeks ago, Team BBMC headed to Door County for a weekend of triathlon. It was my first experience with total tri immersion with the team and I LOVED every bit of it...that is until the run during the half IM. I have not written a race report yet, since it seemed so frivolous to do so in light of everything that happened, starting with a phone call the night after the race. So here is a summary of the race....IT WAS HOT!! 95 degrees with dew points in the 70's, heat index of 106...and full sun. Pretty similar conditions to last summers Pigman HIM, but more wind for the ride, and a hillier run course. (2 HUGE hills!! :-O) The swim felt pretty good despite the choppy water. I was in the very last wave, which made my start time about an hour after the actual start of the race....and into the throes of the heat of the day sooner. BUT....no getting swum over by the faster guys! :-) The bike felt GREAT, and the run/walk was awful. Somehow I still managed to run a 2:10 half...which I could not believe with all of the walking that I did. Overall, I was VERY happy with how my body held up under those conditions. My nutrition was spot on until the second half of the run, but this is not surprising given the heat. I ended up 9th in my AG in which only 2 minutes separated number 6,7,8,and 9. That two minutes I could have made up if I had not had to battle someones bike on a TRAINER that was in my spot in transition during T2! :-( The truth is, I let that rattle me, and it proved yet again how much work I still need to do between the ears. I also need to work on becoming mentally stronger during the last few painful miles. Again...this is a choice.
New for me too, was the experience of having Mike out on the run course on his bike! He was riding with Blake who was checking up on all of the athletes. It was such a boost to see them at mile two, and Mike again at mile 10. Ironically, those were the miles that I felt the worst!! I found my legs at around mile 4, and miles 4-9 were BETTER anyway. If I would have seen them then, I could have at least FAKED a smile! ;-) But I have to say the BEST part of that run was seeing my teammates. We were ALL struggling!(Except for Matt....ROCK STAR RUNNER!!! :-))To see everyone in their team BBMC race kits, all supporting one another was just awesome. Also, I cannot say enough about the volunteers, local citizens, and race director for taking such AMAZING care of all of the athletes during this race. There was NEVER a shortage of ice, water, sprinklers, hoses, and cheering. They were incredible and it was a very tough day for them as well. I will do this race again, and HIGHLY recommend it!!
The phone call at 10 that night was from Robyn. She and her long time boyfriend had just broken up, and she was devastated. The next day, the phone call was from my friend who said that our friend Sue had taken an abrupt turn for the worse. Checking my emails upon our arrival home I was reminded that I need to schedule a trip to the HHT center in St. Lois for another cerebral angiogram to evaluate the newly discovered AVM's in my brain and spinal cord. Robyn needs to go as well. (I told them AFTER IMOO!!!!) Then the call later that night from my Mom to tell me my step-dad is in the hospital with severe abdominal pain.
Three weeks of ups, downs, twists, turns, and flips. There is even our yearly week at the cabin in the mix, which gratefully, really got to happen. I continue to tell myself, "I get to" At Sue's wake yesterday, there were pictures depicting her life everywhere, and family and friends gathered to share their stories and memories. As I looked at the pictures of all of us on our Vegas trip, my thought was, "We got to....together".
RIP my friend. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with your family, friends, and your students. You are loved and will be missed tremendously.
To honor Sue, and all of those who have gone before us...enjoy this day.